Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Adventures in Confidence (i went to a convention again)

right, guess who went on another london adventure!

after much planning and saving of money i went to Winter london film and comic con (WLFCC since i cant be arsed to write the full name every time). travelling to london on back 2 days in a row was exhausting but worth it.

travel was by train. ive mentioned before that im very nervous when it comes to travelling to places on my own, however i am getting past my concerns for that. i travelled to earls court on both days on my own, which was just about manageable. ive done that a few times now and its a lot easier and less intimidating for me now i know where im going. main line to finsbury park. picadilly underground line to earls court. sorted. 
on the way back i travelled with a few friends who lived a little further down the line from me, so i didnt have to travel as far on my own, which was nice. its strange how just having one or two people who you know can really alleviate your concerns and worries.  

 the saturday was spent wandering around the vendors and spending the money i had saved up. i also met a couple of guests including The Mountain from Game of Thrones, who makes me look tiny (im 6ft 4) and Andrew Rothenberg, who played Jim in the first series of The Walking Dead and got their autographs, which was awesome.

dudes fucking huge!

ive mentioned before that i have a group of friends on facebook who are all con-goers and i got to see lots of them over the weekend too. i exchanged christmas gifts with the people in our group who i am closest too and i am genuinely amazed by the kindness of some people. anyone who has dealt with self confidence and/or self worth issues will know the feeling of "im nothing. why are people being nice to me?" the simple answer is its because those people who are being nice to you care. i dont know why they care about me, but they do. and that is an absolutely invaluable thing to have in your life. people dont stick by you through both good and bad times if they dont give a shit. the fact that they do care is a hard thing to accept, but i have found that when you do eventually accept it makes so many things so much easier.

 friends are the single most valuable help someone struggling with mental health issues such as depression can have. 

saturday evening was a bit of an event. i hadnt eaten much all day i almost collapsed. i was fortunate enough to have a couple of friends who were with me who forced me to eat and stayed with me until i was feeling well enough to go back to the train station and go home. rule number 1 of having a day out: ALWAYS eat. 

sunday. well, sunday was a HUGE thing for me. a group of us decided months ago that we were going to go to WLFCC on the sunday dressed up as characters from The Walking Dead. i ended up going as Daryl Dixon, mainly because i actually have a crossbow. part of the whole "Daryl" thing is that most of the time he wears shirts with the sleeves cut off at the shoulder. if i did this then it meant that scars that i hadnt previously had visible to other people would be seen by all. ive mentioned before that most of the scars left from my experiences with self harm are on my upper right arm and are always covered up. this is because this was my "go-to" location when using a blade. its pretty much just one big scar made of loads of horizontal slices across the skin, its not nice to see if im honest. i have enough self image issues (weight, height, fitness etc etc) without the added pressure of having scars on display and risking people asking questions about them. 

i dont know what or why influenced my decision to go sleeveless instead of altering the outfit and wear long sleeves, but for some reason i ended up deciding that no sleeveless was the way i was going to go. 

i wore a jacket over my clothes on the way to the event, but once i was there i took it off and got sorted out and dressed up.... 

...and no one cared about the scars! 

not one person made a comment about my arm; friends or strangers. hell, i even had a few people ask for photos with me! people i dont know asking for photos is a very weird experience! i had more people ask me about my tattoos or my outfit; "where did you get the jacket?" "is that a real crossbow?" (yes. yes it is, but i had deactivated it for the event) and so on. 

while i was still very nervous about having scars visible to others for the first time nothing happened that made me want to cover them up. no one made me feel awkward or uncomfortable or kept looking at my arm (i didnt see them looking if they did) while i may not be confident or comfortable enough to wear sleeveless shirts on a regular basis, this was a huge thing for me, and i actually feel proud of myself for it, which doesnt happen very often. 

i had an amazing day with a group of friends in silly costumes doing silly photos and having one of the best days ive had in a very long time. it was brilliant. 

we even had a couple of companies want to film our group for the event videos. im currently waiting to see what they came out like. one of the wrestling guests, Scott Garland come up to us as well and asked if he could have a pic of his son with us! im not a wrestling fan, but having an official guest want photos of us was awesome!

some of the twd group. my friends.

conventions are incredible places to go. you see some awesome stuff like movie props, people in costume, tv and film stars etc, but the best thing about them is that everyone is there for the same reason: because they enjoy the things that are featured at the event. no one gives a shit what you do, what your mental state or sexual orientation is, what marital status you have etc etc. people are there to have fun and events such as WLFCC are one of those places where i can actually almost feel like myself again, even if only for a couple of days. 

if you're struggling with mental health issues and are into tv shows/movies/games/comics or are just looking at trying to do something new then definitely have a look at attending an event. they are great fun, and while some aspects such as travelling and crowds are intimidating they are worth it. knackering, but worth it.  

Sunday, 28 September 2014

"its my fault..."

this is one of those topics that i could write several books about! the feeling when you're convinced that your problems, be it mental state, employment status, physical health etc are having a negative affect on the people around you. 

ever since the start of my mental health problems (also known as the day when my brain said fuck this and decided it hated me) ive felt ive been a burden on others. i know ive mentioned this in other posts however i feel that it should have a stand alone entry as well. 
that feeling of "if i wasnt ill i could do this, this, this and that and everything would be ok" or "if i wasnt here then this and that would be better for him and her" is a constant, niggling pain in the arse. 

this state of mind seriously fucks you up. it puts a dampener on everything you do and can be a MASSIVE downer, especially if you've had a good day beforehand. for example, ive been preparing to attend another comic con; saving up money and organising how and when i'd get there and back and so on; i asked my parents about if they could put a few quid towards the cost of travel as an early christmas present, to which they replied that they'd pay for my tickets. 

just after the train tickets were ordered my mum jokingly says to my dad "so, are we skint now?" 

this may seem like such a small and insignificant thing, but all i could think about was "oh fuck, they've just bought me these train tickets. what if they needed that money for something else? what if they needed to pay a bill, or had to do food shopping, or buy some more electric? or fuel? or both? what if this or that happens? they'll need that money, and ive taken it from them."

while both parents have repeatedly said "its fine. we're ok with the money and can afford to buy these tickets for you for christmas" its still a niggling thought in the back of my head, and i hate it! 

its the similar with things like hearing my parents talking about having bills to pay. if i wasnt ill then i'd have a job, probably have my own place by now and they'd have to spend a lot less money for bills. i do pay them a contribution towards bills etc but that doesnt make me feel any better regarding the situation.

friends could be doing more important stuff with their lives instead of trying to sort me out when im having a rough day. if we went out somewhere (not that it happens very often) they could enjoy themselves more if they didnt have to keep an eye on me. 

the list goes on, and its a total shit. 

my family and friends may say that they are ok with doing these sort of things for me, but no matter how many times they say "shut up you mong, its fine" i still feel like im having a negative effect on others, and the worst part is that while i may not feel like it as much now, at my worst, all i could think of was "these people would be so much better off without me"

its so easy to go from feeling like a burden and having a negative effect on those you care about to wanting to end things to make it easier for others. and that is a slippery slope to say the least. 

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Im All Alone, Theres No One Here Beside Me...

im sure you seen those "omg its so deep" emotional picture posts on facebook, twitter, blogs etc etc? a picture of some trees, or a sunset, or a waterfall, or some leaves on the floor, usually with a shitty instagram filter on them with something like "the people who seem the happiest are usually the saddest inside" or "why dont people love me for me?" you get the idea. well, i cant stand those sort of posts. sometimes you get positive ones which try to make people feel better, but usually they are negative and lets be honest, whiny. 

they get on my tits and a lot of the time, either because of the way they're written or because of the pictures and fonts used seem to romanticize the topic they are speaking about. 

i saw one this morning that said "i never feel alone bcoz loneliness is always with me" and it got me thinking about how i deal with feeling like im alone.

now aside from the shit stirringly terrible way to spell "because" this one seemed to have a bit of an effect on me and got me thinking about my own dealings with the feeling of loneliness. 

there are plenty different ways to feel alone. ive experienced some of them and i cant say any have had a positive effect on my mental state or how i see myself. 

first off we have the physical sense of being lonely. its a simple premise; there's no one with you. you may be outside going to the shop on your own, sat at home with no one with you (be it because you live on your own or your family/housemates/partner etc have had to go out) whatever. that sense of no one physically being there is a bitch. something as simple as not having someone to talk to can really hit a person hard. fortunately in this day and age we can at least contact someone, be it by phone or online to have a chat. it may not be the same as having someone sat on the sofa with you eating take away and watching a michael bay film but i'll take it.  of course, this physical feeling of being lonely can spill over into the 'romantic' loneliness state... basically, you want to be physically intimate with someone.... in layman's terms; you want to get laid.

ive had problems with feeling lonely in a "romantic sense". yep, im still single. (hoo-fucking-ray....) and there are days where all i want is to have someone to be close too. that could range from anything from something as simple as holding a womans hand and talking all the way through to going heels to jesus. to be honest, a sense of physical closeness on any level would be nice. that feeling of there being no one out there for you in that way can cause a HUGE vaccuum in your life, especially when you're already feeling lonely because of other reasons (some of which are mentioned in this post) 

with the way ive been brought up (my parents are both christian) im not really one for the whole "go out, get laid" mindset. i dont believe that you should wait until you're married to take things to the bedroom... or living room... or park bench..., however, i do feel that sex is something that, while it's a basic and very natural urge, should be between 2 people who know and trust each other. i feel that there should at least be an emotional connection.

when you struggle with social interaction and talking to new people it becomes very difficult to get that kind of relationship going, which means (at least for me) its even harder to have that grow into a physical intimacy. it leaves you feeling very singled out and alone, especially when people all around you are hooking up with others, in long term relationships, getting married, having kids etc etc. i'll straight up say it; im very jealous of some of those people. those who arent alone because they have that connection with someone, both emotionally and physically.

the "outcast" sense of loneliness is a total shitburger. that sense of feeling like you dont fit in with other people, be that a social group, your family, work colleagues etc is such a bastard and (from my experience) causes a huge mental drain. that sense of being a third wheel when a group gets together is soul-crushing. im very lucky in that ive managed to find a group of friends that i feel like i am a part of. (even if we talk mainly online and only meet up a few times each year) the only advice i can give if you feel like the odd one out is to try and find different groups. see which one (ones) you like, that you feel comfortable with and see how things develop. 
ive mentioned this group of people in my last post and i am a lot happier now being part of a group i feel like i belong too as opposed to being with people i am friends with, however dont feel like a member of the group. 

the last "loneliness" that i want to talk about is probably the main one that just about every single person with mental health issues involving depression and anxiety knows about: that feeling that no one can help you. that you're alone in this. 

NOTHING feels worse than this, so im going to keep this bit simple; if you are reading this and you do have issues with depression etc please, PLEASE remember that you are NOT alone.
there is plenty of help available in the form of doctors and counselors and countless other professions that i wont delve in to. and dont forget family and especially friends. 

i have no doubt that i'd be dead right now if it werent for a few friends who have helped me and kept me going over the past few years. 

so, in closing, feeling lonely is a total pile of wank. it is a soul crushing, heartbreaking abyss which is hard to get out of, but never give up trying to free yourself from it. the return for all your effort you put into escaping that pit of loneliness is endless.

you may think you're a third wheel, but in fact you are a majestic god-damn unicycle. find other unicycles and enjoy yourself. 

you are not alone. 

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Im Back. (Arseholes, Elbows, Goodbyes, Hellos)

well, its been a while.

its been almost a year since my last post on here. there have been plenty of ups and downs in that time, which i will come to discuss later in this post. the first thing i want to talk about it one of the reasons i stopped writing on this blog. 

just after i had published the last post i wrote on here, i received a comment which, for lack of a better term, destroyed my will to continue writing about my experiences with depression, anxiety and self harm. the person who wrote the comment basically threw abuse at me, the problems i have and how i deal with them, and after reading that comment, i lost the will, motivation and desire to continue posting, as the comment made pretty much knocked me right on my arse. 
however, i have grown as a person and i feel that i can now safely say this to the person who made that post and any others who wish to say similar things:

Fuck. You.

this blog is a way for me to get my emotions, views and experiences out of my system. i could just write this in a word document and save it on my computer, or hand write it in a notebook, however i wanted to post it in a public setting for 2 reasons:

1. it got it off my chest and out in the open, which removes a huge weight from my shoulders.

2. i thought that maybe being able to share my views might help someone who is going through similar problems that i have been going through.

if you have a problem with what i write then bugger off. you dont have to read my blog, so shut your face and go fuck a cactus.

*and breathe*

right, on with the show.

i'll start with the negatives first.

unfortunately, im still struggling with my mental health, as well as now having problems physically with my back. i still have days where i have zero motivation to get out of bed. no wish to do anything, see anyone, speak to anyone or generally live a life. anyone who has dealt with depression will know these kind of days. they suck, but we have to push through them as best we can.

im still on medication, which i cant stand, since i can never tell if the good day/days ive had are down to me genuinely feeling better about myself or if it is the pills causing that. the worry is still there that if i were to stop taking my meds i'd just fall back to where i was before. 

ive written previously about how important pets have been to me during the past few years as well. sadly, ive lost a few during the past few months.

nugget, the smiley gecko with MBD that i adopted and nursed back to health as best i could died. we dont know how old she was so it could have been old age, but i dont know.

i also lost one of my snakes; Ripley. i got up one morning, went to change the water bowl and he was curled up in the corner of the vivarium, dead. 

the most upsetting for me was losing Meg, my dog. one of my best friends.

the fact that im in tears writing this, even after a few months of not having her around i guess just cements how much she meant to me. she got cancer and had a 2kg tumour removed from her abdomen. we learnt from the vet that there was more than one tumour inside her, and that there was no way of her getting better.

we decided that instead of her going through treatment, which would cause her illness, pain and only prolong the inevitable, we decided that we would rather have her at home for the few months she had left as her happy, normal self, despite the cancer festering inside her. thats what we did, and she was happy and "normal" for a while

we had around 5 months more with my dog until she became ill again, and the decision was made to have her finally put to sleep. on a sunday morning she died in my arms, sitting on the floor at the vets. my dog, who never once questioned why i was feeling sad, was always happy to see me and would ALWAYS cuddle up next to me on my bed or on the sofa, was gone. 

it may not seem like a big deal to some, but losing a pet can hit people REALLY hard. losing meg devastated me. to be honest, i dont remember much about that day after she went. i remember the vet nodding, saying she was gone, not wanting to let go of her.

i dont remember the trip home, but i do remember putting my fist through my bedroom door and screaming into my pillow. 

goodnight, you dopey bastard. i love you, and i miss you so fucking much.

(i feel i should mention that we have recently got a new puppy. she may not be my meg, but shes still nice. shes not a direct replacement. nothing can replace my dog, but its just wrong living in a house with no dog. there has always been a dog here. ever since i was born we've had at least one canine family member. like i said, Yophi (my mum chose the name) isnt a replacement for meg. she is the next chapter after meg.)

i need to stop thinking about my dog, so lets go on to the good things that have happened.

it was suggested by an advisor at the job centre that i have a look into voluntary work. i ended up going to my local british heart foundation furniture store and enquired about doing some voluntary work to give myself some experience with new people and places, and to give myself a bit more of a routine.

now i volunteer at the british heart foundation. its only one morning a week at the moment, but its doing me some good. i enjoy doing it there, even if it isnt the best thing for my dodgy back!

im more active. ive started target shooting using an air rifle, which i really enjoy. its something i can do on my own or with my dad or other people, which is lovely. it gives me an immense amount of satisfaction hitting a good grouping from 20 metres on a paper target.

shooting stuff is also a GREAT way to let off some steam if im having a rough day and im getting frustrated with things.

ive travelled more and done a couple more conventions. im getting better at going to new places, meeting new people and travelling on my own. ive been to wales comic con and met one of my heroes; Charlie Adlard, the artist for The Walking Dead comics. 

i also went to London Film and Comic Con and met some amazing people (including Summer Glau from Firefly, Lena Headey from Game of Thrones and the godfather of zombie films; George A Romero.

the best thing that hs happened so far is becoming part of a group of friends. for the past few years ive never really felt like if fitted into any groups that well.
sure, i was friends with people (who im still friends with now) but i always felt a bit out on the fringes of things when it came to the group mentality. it always felt like i was a bit out of place. i didnt feel "unwanted" but it didnt feel like i was fitting in. i hope that makes sense. its a difficult feeling to describe.

the group of people i found (which i first joined in with just before the events of "joshs big adventure") are a bunch of guys and girls who are nerds like myself and who attend conventions etc. we mainly talk online (yay facebook) but meet up at events like LFCC and Wales Comic Con. some of the people in this group have become some of my closest friends and i genuinely feel like a part of something, which is a great feeling.

these people have seen me go from a timid guy who was shy, reclusive and quiet into someone who is a lot more outgoing, especially when it comes to chatting with people in that group. they even managed to get me to dress up as a character from firefly for LFCC! thats something i would never have done before. 

never ever forget how important friends can be. people in that group, as well as friends such as Tom and Chelsea are brilliant. and have kept me going, especially when ive been low and shitty.

i may not be fixed yet, but i know ive come a long way this past year, and im starting to think that could be something to be proud of. 

oh, and one last thing to that commenter who was a dick; yes, im 25. yes, i like comics. deal with it, bitch! 

Monday, 7 October 2013

its not all about the bad times (joshs big adventure)

most of these posts that i have written have been about fairly negative aspects of dealing with depression. self harm, suicide, anger etc are all things that i have experienced in the past and present. 

ive also mentioned the difficulty that i have with enjoying myself, and allowing myself to not feel guilty about enjoying things. its a bitch and is something which is very difficult to get past.

ive also mentioned a few months back about a trip i was planning which involved me travelling alone to london, spending the day there then coming home on my own.

well, i managed it. i spent so much time during the run up to the winter london film and comic con researching where i was going, how i was going to get there, what was at the event and so on. 

the main reason for me going was to prove to myself that i CAN do things that scare me;

1: travelling alone.

i'll be honest. the idea of travelling alone to new places scares the shit out of me. in the past i managed to go from peterborough to lancaster (to visit my sister and her family on my own) which was terrifying, that was about 3 years ago now (i think). going from peterborough to the olympia grand all in london required using both the above and underground rail systems. 

a huge fear of mine when travelling is that i'll get on the wrong train and only realise when i found myself in the arse end of nowhere. fortunately planning beforehand really helped and i knew exactly which stations to get on/off at, and finding the right trains was relatively easy since i managed to..

2: talk to new people.

i had to do this several times during my adventure. i had to ask a few train station worker type people which trains to get on, which was a lot easier than i thought it would be. 

i also had to speak to people who i was buying things from at the event; tickets to talks/photo opportunities, people selling books, figures, props etc and other punters who were attending the event. i found that once i'd spoken to one or two people then talking to others because fairly easy. i asked lots of people if i could take photos of them, since they were dressed up as various characters from tv shows, films, books and videogames. (some of the people i spoke to were really rather purdy ladygirlwomen, so a bonus is that i managed to talk to WOMEN i dont know as well!)

i also met some people who i had talked to on the facebook page for the event. all were really nice to me, and even nicer (if a bit weird) in person. 

i even got to meet a few celebrity guests. i spoke to natasha henstridge (from the film species and loads of other shows and films) who was lovely. i also got to meet jon bernthal (who was in one of my favorite shows; the walking dead) and got a photo with him. an added bonus was that i also met michael pena (star of films such as shooter and end of watch) and managed to ask him for an autograph too, even though he wasnt an official guest. 

it was also easier to talk to people at an event like this. all the people attending were there for the same reason as me: to meet people from tv shows etc that they like. the common ground gave me something to talk about with other people, which made actually getting into conversations a LOT easier. i even managed to ask a question during a talk with jon bernthal, which involved me speaking into a microphone. the guy carrying the mic said i should stand up, but i wasnt brave enough to do that.
jon bernthal and me
(im the tubby one on the left)

3. crowds

there were a LOT of people i managed to cope ok without freaking too much. i did have couple of moments where things got a bit much, but i managed to find a place to escape to and give myself a break from the crowds. when i felt ready i went back in to wander around and look at stuff (and spend far too much money)

anyway, long story short, i managed to do things i wasnt comfortable with: travelling alone, meeting new people and dealing with crowds. ALL ON MY OWN! it may not seem like much, but managing to do those 3 thing is HUGE for me. hopefully this will be the start of a gradual improvement with my mental state.

if you are struggling with similar things to what ive mentioned here force yourself to do something about it. MAKE SURE that there is something in it for you as well; a reward for confronting your fears. for me, the event was perfect since it meant that if i did go through with travelling alone etc then i got to buy myself stuff and meet people from tv shows and movies that i REALLY like. if you make an effort and try to do something to better yourself make sure you reward yourself for doing it, even if its just a small reward like having a bar of chocolate.

i'll be honest. when i woke up on the saturday morning i was going to the event i was shitting myself about the travel. but i managed to force myself to do it and i ended up really enjoying myself! whats even better is i didnt feel guilty about it. 

it was a day i had planned for and a day i had been looking forward to. because i had prepared myself for the event i was able to cope better and didnt feel as guilty about having a good day as i usually do.

for the first time in a VERY long time i actually felt proud of myself for doing something. 

on an added note i also found that during the months before the event i found having something to look forward to REALLY useful. if i was having a shitty day i could at least say to myself "at least you're going to the comic con soon"

having that point to work towards really helped me and i will be attending a similar event in november. more travelling on my own. more new people and a new location. 

lets hope i can handle that one even better. watch this space...

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

The S Word.

The following post contains my opinions and experiences regarding depression related suicide. if you are uncomfortable with the topic please do not read any further than here.


(im not going to delve into euthanasia or assisted suicide. i dont feel as though i have the experience needed with those topics to write up about them. im going to stick with suicide and its links to depression.)

"suicide- the act of killing yourself intentionally"

i know a lot of people must look at those who have attempted or committed suicide and wonder what the fuck is going through a person's head that they want to end their own life. how can someone want to cease to live when mankind's primal instinct is to survive. what the hell can cause someone to become so intent on ending their own life that they jump off a bridge or slit their wrists?  what would possess a person to put the barrel of a loaded gun in their mouth and pull the trigger, or overdose on prescription medication?

depression is the prelude to 'topping yourself'. depression affects everyone differently; some people are strong and can fight through their issues. some cant, and really struggle, however they keep on going and try to improve.

some cant cope. some think that the only way to stop all the emotional and psychological pain they are going through. the only way to make it stop is to stop everything. 

i want to try and explain some of my views about suicide but first i need to expand on 2 events in my life, so here we go:

1. a close friend of mine tried to end things a few years ago. i was talking to them over msn messenger at the time. they'd been having a really rough time of things- college, relationships, work etc. it got too much and they ended up taking a load of prescription medication. 

i have no idea why they told me they'd done it. we are much closer now than we were back then, so it was strange that they would tell me. fortunately, they told a member of their family about what they'd done. off to the hospital for a stomach pump... not nice.

as a third party looking on at what had just happened i realised that i had never been more scared in my life. this person had just tried to snuff themselves out of existence while talking to me. this was a friend. someone who i knew had their problems (anyone who says they dont have any problems at all is a liar or a VERY lucky bastard) but they'd felt it had become too much and wanted to end things. they've been up and down ever since, but they are still here.

2. and this is something about me that VERY few people know.

ive wanted to end things on more than one occasion, and have been incredibly close to going through with it. you feel like nothing you or anyone else can say or do will make things better, and the only way to make everything stop hurting is to stop living. 

i can remember it so well. i was sat there, note on the bed next to me saying goodbye, blade in my left hand, resting on my right wrist, just waiting to apply that downward pressure. then all i had to do was drag the blade down and across. it was that simple. i couldnt do it. almost everything inside me was screaming "JUST FUCKING DO IT!" but somewhere there was something wanting me not to. i remember lifting the blade from my wrist and i ended up slashing my arm up some more, then throwing the blade across my room. all the while tears streaming down my face, snotty nosed and in a royally messed up state. 

ive thought a lot about that moment when i lifted the blade away from my wrist. at first i thought i was a coward; a fucking pussy who wasnt even brave enough to do something as easy as off himself. the thought that i'd failed at getting rid of myself made the few days after that some of the lowest of my life.

as ive moved along and grown to understand whats wrong with me better i actually found that i was really angry at myself for even contemplating suicide. ever since i was in school i was always the one who looked after others. if i slashed my wrists and bled out then who would take care of those people i care about? who would take care of my friend who had tried to commit suicide before i did? sure, there may be people looking after them, but i dont know if thats true, do i?!

some people might be upset if i wasnt around, right? surely my parents would be. i dont want to upset them. the fact is, even though i felt all alone, i did have people who cared (and still care) about me now. i didnt want to let those people down by not being around any more. i promised myself that i wasnt ever going to try that shit again.

i dont regret my experiences with self harm. those scars and experiences are part of who i am and while they werent the right thing to do i dont regret doing them.

looking back on my contemplation of suicide i find that i really hate that i was that low and was that close to doing it. one of the very few things i genuinely like about myself is that i consider myself to be a decent friend. 
what kind of friend would i have been if i'd been selfish enough to cause those i care about to lose a friend or family member by slashing my wrists and bleeding to death?

i think it takes an insane amount of bravery to actually go through with attempting suicide. you have to be certain that its what you want. the strange thing is that i wonder that if those who had tried to kill themselves saw that they had that bravery would they have still have attempted it? how many have taken pills, slashed their wrists, jumped off a bridge or cliff or whatever and as soon as they've started they immediately regret their decision?

if you are reading this and have been thinking about ending things please think about the people who care about you beforehand. as someone who has been both a 3rd party to someone attempting to kill themselves and someone who has been low enough to be sat with a blade on his wrist just urging himself to do it please listen to me now;

things arent as bad as they seem. you have people who care about you and who love you. their lives will be lacking so much if you werent in them. 

you may not believe it, but you are cared for and valued, and no matter how bad you feel please, PLEASE dont take things that far. 

ive said it at the end of previous posts and im going to say it here as well.

you are not alone in this.


Wednesday, 25 September 2013


one of the big problems ive had during my time dealing with depression is that i feel guilty about a lot of things. im going to try and explain the 4 main "guilt trips" i have in this post. obviously there are plenty of other ones, but these are the 'big 4'

1. i feel guilty that ive caused friends and family to worry about me. 

if you're ill, be it physically or psychologically then chances are there will be someone who is worried about you. friends and family do that kind of thing. the problem with me was that i didnt want people to worry about me. i knew that friends and famiy have all got their own stuff to deal with, and i didnt want them to spend their time trying to sort me out when they had their own lives to get on with. 

2. i feel guilty because i constantly think that i dump my problems on others.

i HATED it when i did this. the people who i talked to about my problems have their own lives to live. they didnt need to spend their spare time listening to me warble on about my emotional state. i know they didnt mind talking to me, but i felt like a HUGE burden on them. friends take care of each other, but that should go both ways. it shouldnt just be me pouring my heart out to them because i got so upset and angry about not being able to do something on my skateboard or whatever. 

every time i ended up opening up to one of my friends i'd end up apologising SO much for talking to them, and no matter how many times they said "its alright" i still felt guilty. i used to be able to handle this shit on my own, now i was just falling apart and relying on others to keep me in one piece. i didnt want to be a burden on them, and i felt like i was just dead weight dragging them down. 

3. i feel guilty because im taking up the time of people who could be helping others with more serious problems. 

doctors, counselling service people, friends. all of them could (and in my mind SHOULD) be doing other things instead of trying to help me. there are people in much worse positions; physically, emotionally, financially and so on who could use their support so much more than me. why should a doctor be trying to help my fucked up mental state when they could be helping little penny jenkins and her poorly tummy? or mr cooper and his arthritis? they are much more important than me.

4. i feel guilty when i've had a good day. 

this is one i feel ALL the time. im depressed, that means im not allowed to have a good day, right? 

that label of being depressed is a huge barrier in my mind. i have a great day, but when its ending and im about to go to bed i end up feeling really bad because im meant to be depressed. its a horrible feeling. everyone tells you its ok to have good days, but because you've been given that label you feel terrible because you feel like you're wasting everyone's time. surely if he's depressed he should be moping around all the time and not having good days. 

its a fucked up mindset to have, and its very hard to change. i know im allowed to have good days, (enjoy the little things, right?!) but there is always that label looming over your head which makes you feel guilty afterwards. 

stupid, isnt it.

guilt is a bitch. i have found it incredibly difficult to not feel it in some way while ive been dealing with depression. its not rational. you know that you shouldnt feel guilty about those things, but you do.

people care about me; they'll worry sometimes.  friends help and care for each other. doctors are there to help EVERYONE, not just some people. i AM allowed to have a good day. 

all really easy to say. all very difficult to believe when your brain is having a 'fuck you' day.