Guilt.

one of the big problems ive had during my time dealing with depression is that i feel guilty about a lot of things. im going to try and explain the 4 main "guilt trips" i have in this post. obviously there are plenty of other ones, but these are the 'big 4'

1. i feel guilty that ive caused friends and family to worry about me. 

if you're ill, be it physically or psychologically then chances are there will be someone who is worried about you. friends and family do that kind of thing. the problem with me was that i didnt want people to worry about me. i knew that friends and famiy have all got their own stuff to deal with, and i didnt want them to spend their time trying to sort me out when they had their own lives to get on with. 

2. i feel guilty because i constantly think that i dump my problems on others.

i HATED it when i did this. the people who i talked to about my problems have their own lives to live. they didnt need to spend their spare time listening to me warble on about my emotional state. i know they didnt mind talking to me, but i felt like a HUGE burden on them. friends take care of each other, but that should go both ways. it shouldnt just be me pouring my heart out to them because i got so upset and angry about not being able to do something on my skateboard or whatever. 

every time i ended up opening up to one of my friends i'd end up apologising SO much for talking to them, and no matter how many times they said "its alright" i still felt guilty. i used to be able to handle this shit on my own, now i was just falling apart and relying on others to keep me in one piece. i didnt want to be a burden on them, and i felt like i was just dead weight dragging them down. 

3. i feel guilty because im taking up the time of people who could be helping others with more serious problems. 

doctors, counselling service people, friends. all of them could (and in my mind SHOULD) be doing other things instead of trying to help me. there are people in much worse positions; physically, emotionally, financially and so on who could use their support so much more than me. why should a doctor be trying to help my fucked up mental state when they could be helping little penny jenkins and her poorly tummy? or mr cooper and his arthritis? they are much more important than me.

4. i feel guilty when i've had a good day. 

this is one i feel ALL the time. im depressed, that means im not allowed to have a good day, right? 

that label of being depressed is a huge barrier in my mind. i have a great day, but when its ending and im about to go to bed i end up feeling really bad because im meant to be depressed. its a horrible feeling. everyone tells you its ok to have good days, but because you've been given that label you feel terrible because you feel like you're wasting everyone's time. surely if he's depressed he should be moping around all the time and not having good days. 

its a fucked up mindset to have, and its very hard to change. i know im allowed to have good days, (enjoy the little things, right?!) but there is always that label looming over your head which makes you feel guilty afterwards. 

stupid, isnt it.

guilt is a bitch. i have found it incredibly difficult to not feel it in some way while ive been dealing with depression. its not rational. you know that you shouldnt feel guilty about those things, but you do.

people care about me; they'll worry sometimes.  friends help and care for each other. doctors are there to help EVERYONE, not just some people. i AM allowed to have a good day. 

all really easy to say. all very difficult to believe when your brain is having a 'fuck you' day.