doubt and anxiety can eat a dick

   one of the things i hate most about my ongoing dealings with depression is the amount of worrying i do. 

   "what do they think?" "what do i do?" "how do i do this?" "why didnt i do that?" "what if this or that happens?" "what are those people saying?" "are they talking about me?"

   take travelling for example. i am terrified of using public transport on my own. im constantly worrying about taking the wrong bus or train or whatever and ending up in the arse end of nowhere with a used ticket and a look of confusion on my face. even though chances are that i wont get on the wrong bus or train i still worry about it. 

   the worrying evolves and soon you find yourself not wanting to do anything because you're imagining every possible scenario in your head. "what if i get the wrong train?" "what if i miss my train back and get stuck in london?" "what if someone steals my wallet while im in london and I have no money or I.D?" "what if there is an accident?" it all builds up and in the end you just end up sitting at home doing fuck all because you're too much of a pussy to actually go outside and try and enjoy life. believe me, that is not something you want to end up running your life.

   that sense of worry spills over into just about everything. "what if i make an arse of myself in front of that girl i like?" "what if i hurt myself trying something new on the ol' skateyplank?" "what if these new people i'm meeting dont like me?"

WHAT IF...

 

   now usually with these posts i try to explain how i deal with these things, but this one i still dont know how to handle that anxiety and the sense of worry i get over little things. i really havent got a clue what im doing. 

   i want to go to london in october and meet an actor from a tv series i really like, but im still thinking "what if?" in my head there are so many things that could go wrong, and thinking about those things scares me. 

   i really want to go to london. and i am seriously considering going down there on my own if i cant find someone to go with me. it scares me, but surely meeting someone you look up to is a good reason to try and confront your fears, right?

i guess i'll find out come october...

"I need help"

    quite possibly the 3 hardest words i have ever had to say. having a huge panic attack, quickly followed by losing control of your emotions and finally finishing up curled in the foetal position crying like a 3 year old who's just been stung by a wasp is not exactly the most elegant or brave ways to admit that you need help. 

   thats how it happened i ended up doing it. my dad walks into my room and finds me like that.

"what wrong? why are you up here crying?"

"because i shouldnt be wishing i was dead all the time... i need help"

   those 3 words are fucking terrifying. i cant imagine how that must have sounded to my father as well. i dont know if you read this but Dad, im sorry i put you through that. 

    i'd always been the kind of person to not ask for help with personal stuff like feelings and emotions since i figured that they are the kind of things my brain should be able to control. knowing that i couldnt control my own thoughts and feelings scared me so much (and still does to this day)

   i'd known for a while that i wasnt right. i'd spoken to a few friends during the lead up to me actually beginning to get help and i was dependent on them for emotional support when i wasnt doing good. they kept saying i needed to go to the doctors and i kept saying no. they were right. 

   there is only so much one person can do alone. there will always come a time where you need some help and support; whether that be from friends, family or professionals. in the end i needed (and still need) all the help i can get from friends, family AND professionals. 

   it isnt easy to admit that you need help. to be honest i didnt want to do it. it just sort of happened. HOWEVER, im glad it did happen because since then ive been able to get help and support from professionals and other depression sufferers alike.

if anyone who is reading this is struggling and thinking about getting professional help then dont be ashamed of it. 1 in 4 people are affected by some kind of mental health issue. as ive said before in my self harm post; you arent alone in this. people will help and support you. IF you let them. im glad i did.

(im keeping this one short because there isnt a lot to say since after admitting i needed help. if i do post much more i'd only end up copying from previous posts, or end up talking about stuff i want to add into future entries into this blog.)