its not all about the bad times (joshs big adventure)

most of these posts that i have written have been about fairly negative aspects of dealing with depression. self harm, suicide, anger etc are all things that i have experienced in the past and present. 

ive also mentioned the difficulty that i have with enjoying myself, and allowing myself to not feel guilty about enjoying things. its a bitch and is something which is very difficult to get past.

ive also mentioned a few months back about a trip i was planning which involved me travelling alone to london, spending the day there then coming home on my own.

well, i managed it. i spent so much time during the run up to the winter london film and comic con researching where i was going, how i was going to get there, what was at the event and so on. 

the main reason for me going was to prove to myself that i CAN do things that scare me;

1: travelling alone.

i'll be honest. the idea of travelling alone to new places scares the shit out of me. in the past i managed to go from peterborough to lancaster (to visit my sister and her family on my own) which was terrifying, that was about 3 years ago now (i think). going from peterborough to the olympia grand all in london required using both the above and underground rail systems. 

a huge fear of mine when travelling is that i'll get on the wrong train and only realise when i found myself in the arse end of nowhere. fortunately planning beforehand really helped and i knew exactly which stations to get on/off at, and finding the right trains was relatively easy since i managed to..

2: talk to new people.

i had to do this several times during my adventure. i had to ask a few train station worker type people which trains to get on, which was a lot easier than i thought it would be. 

i also had to speak to people who i was buying things from at the event; tickets to talks/photo opportunities, people selling books, figures, props etc and other punters who were attending the event. i found that once i'd spoken to one or two people then talking to others because fairly easy. i asked lots of people if i could take photos of them, since they were dressed up as various characters from tv shows, films, books and videogames. (some of the people i spoke to were really rather purdy ladygirlwomen, so a bonus is that i managed to talk to WOMEN i dont know as well!)

i also met some people who i had talked to on the facebook page for the event. all were really nice to me, and even nicer (if a bit weird) in person. 

i even got to meet a few celebrity guests. i spoke to natasha henstridge (from the film species and loads of other shows and films) who was lovely. i also got to meet jon bernthal (who was in one of my favorite shows; the walking dead) and got a photo with him. an added bonus was that i also met michael pena (star of films such as shooter and end of watch) and managed to ask him for an autograph too, even though he wasnt an official guest. 

it was also easier to talk to people at an event like this. all the people attending were there for the same reason as me: to meet people from tv shows etc that they like. the common ground gave me something to talk about with other people, which made actually getting into conversations a LOT easier. i even managed to ask a question during a talk with jon bernthal, which involved me speaking into a microphone. the guy carrying the mic said i should stand up, but i wasnt brave enough to do that.

jon bernthal and me

(im the tubby one on the left)

3. crowds

there were a LOT of people i managed to cope ok without freaking too much. i did have couple of moments where things got a bit much, but i managed to find a place to escape to and give myself a break from the crowds. when i felt ready i went back in to wander around and look at stuff (and spend far too much money)

anyway, long story short, i managed to do things i wasnt comfortable with: travelling alone, meeting new people and dealing with crowds. ALL ON MY OWN! it may not seem like much, but managing to do those 3 thing is HUGE for me. hopefully this will be the start of a gradual improvement with my mental state.

if you are struggling with similar things to what ive mentioned here force yourself to do something about it. MAKE SURE that there is something in it for you as well; a reward for confronting your fears. for me, the event was perfect since it meant that if i did go through with travelling alone etc then i got to buy myself stuff and meet people from tv shows and movies that i REALLY like. if you make an effort and try to do something to better yourself make sure you reward yourself for doing it, even if its just a small reward like having a bar of chocolate.

i'll be honest. when i woke up on the saturday morning i was going to the event i was shitting myself about the travel. but i managed to force myself to do it and i ended up really enjoying myself! whats even better is i didnt feel guilty about it. 

it was a day i had planned for and a day i had been looking forward to. because i had prepared myself for the event i was able to cope better and didnt feel as guilty about having a good day as i usually do.

for the first time in a VERY long time i actually felt proud of myself for doing something. 

on an added note i also found that during the months before the event i found having something to look forward to REALLY useful. if i was having a shitty day i could at least say to myself "at least you're going to the comic con soon"

having that point to work towards really helped me and i will be attending a similar event in november. more travelling on my own. more new people and a new location. 

lets hope i can handle that one even better. watch this space...

The S Word.

The following post contains my opinions and experiences regarding depression related suicide. if you are uncomfortable with the topic please do not read any further than here.

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(im not going to delve into euthanasia or assisted suicide. i dont feel as though i have the experience needed with those topics to write up about them. im going to stick with suicide and its links to depression.)

"suicide- the act of killing yourself intentionally"

i know a lot of people must look at those who have attempted or committed suicide and wonder what the fuck is going through a person's head that they want to end their own life. how can someone want to cease to live when mankind's primal instinct is to survive. what the hell can cause someone to become so intent on ending their own life that they jump off a bridge or slit their wrists?  what would possess a person to put the barrel of a loaded gun in their mouth and pull the trigger, or overdose on prescription medication?

depression is the prelude to 'topping yourself'. depression affects everyone differently; some people are strong and can fight through their issues. some cant, and really struggle, however they keep on going and try to improve.

some cant cope. some think that the only way to stop all the emotional and psychological pain they are going through. the only way to make it stop is to stop everything. 

i want to try and explain some of my views about suicide but first i need to expand on 2 events in my life, so here we go:

1. a close friend of mine tried to end things a few years ago. i was talking to them over msn messenger at the time. they'd been having a really rough time of things- college, relationships, work etc. it got too much and they ended up taking a load of prescription medication. 

i have no idea why they told me they'd done it. we are much closer now than we were back then, so it was strange that they would tell me. fortunately, they told a member of their family about what they'd done. off to the hospital for a stomach pump... not nice.

as a third party looking on at what had just happened i realised that i had never been more scared in my life. this person had just tried to snuff themselves out of existence while talking to me. this was a friend. someone who i knew had their problems (anyone who says they dont have any problems at all is a liar or a VERY lucky bastard) but they'd felt it had become too much and wanted to end things. they've been up and down ever since, but they are still here.

2. and this is something about me that VERY few people know.

ive wanted to end things on more than one occasion, and have been incredibly close to going through with it. you feel like nothing you or anyone else can say or do will make things better, and the only way to make everything stop hurting is to stop living. 

i can remember it so well. i was sat there, note on the bed next to me saying goodbye, blade in my left hand, resting on my right wrist, just waiting to apply that downward pressure. then all i had to do was drag the blade down and across. it was that simple. i couldnt do it. almost everything inside me was screaming "JUST FUCKING DO IT!" but somewhere there was something wanting me not to. i remember lifting the blade from my wrist and i ended up slashing my arm up some more, then throwing the blade across my room. all the while tears streaming down my face, snotty nosed and in a royally messed up state. 

ive thought a lot about that moment when i lifted the blade away from my wrist. at first i thought i was a coward; a fucking pussy who wasnt even brave enough to do something as easy as off himself. the thought that i'd failed at getting rid of myself made the few days after that some of the lowest of my life.

as ive moved along and grown to understand whats wrong with me better i actually found that i was really angry at myself for even contemplating suicide. ever since i was in school i was always the one who looked after others. if i slashed my wrists and bled out then who would take care of those people i care about? who would take care of my friend who had tried to commit suicide before i did? sure, there may be people looking after them, but i dont know if thats true, do i?!

some people might be upset if i wasnt around, right? surely my parents would be. i dont want to upset them. the fact is, even though i felt all alone, i did have people who cared (and still care) about me now. i didnt want to let those people down by not being around any more. i promised myself that i wasnt ever going to try that shit again.

i dont regret my experiences with self harm. those scars and experiences are part of who i am and while they werent the right thing to do i dont regret doing them.

looking back on my contemplation of suicide i find that i really hate that i was that low and was that close to doing it. one of the very few things i genuinely like about myself is that i consider myself to be a decent friend. what kind of friend would i have been if i'd been selfish enough to cause those i care about to lose a friend or family member by slashing my wrists and bleeding to death?

i think it takes an insane amount of bravery to actually go through with attempting suicide. you have to be certain that its what you want. the strange thing is that i wonder that if those who had tried to kill themselves saw that they had that bravery would they have still have attempted it? how many have taken pills, slashed their wrists, jumped off a bridge or cliff or whatever and as soon as they've started they immediately regret their decision?

if you are reading this and have been thinking about ending things please think about the people who care about you beforehand. as someone who has been both a 3rd party to someone attempting to kill themselves and someone who has been low enough to be sat with a blade on his wrist just urging himself to do it please listen to me now;

things arent as bad as they seem. you have people who care about you and who love you. their lives will be lacking so much if you werent in them. 

you may not believe it, but you are cared for and valued, and no matter how bad you feel please, PLEASE dont take things that far. 

ive said it at the end of previous posts and im going to say it here as well.

you are not alone in this.

http://www.papyrus-uk.org/