Sunday 28 September 2014

"its my fault..."

this is one of those topics that i could write several books about! the feeling when you're convinced that your problems, be it mental state, employment status, physical health etc are having a negative affect on the people around you. 

ever since the start of my mental health problems (also known as the day when my brain said fuck this and decided it hated me) ive felt ive been a burden on others. i know ive mentioned this in other posts however i feel that it should have a stand alone entry as well. 
that feeling of "if i wasnt ill i could do this, this, this and that and everything would be ok" or "if i wasnt here then this and that would be better for him and her" is a constant, niggling pain in the arse. 

this state of mind seriously fucks you up. it puts a dampener on everything you do and can be a MASSIVE downer, especially if you've had a good day beforehand. for example, ive been preparing to attend another comic con; saving up money and organising how and when i'd get there and back and so on; i asked my parents about if they could put a few quid towards the cost of travel as an early christmas present, to which they replied that they'd pay for my tickets. 

just after the train tickets were ordered my mum jokingly says to my dad "so, are we skint now?" 

this may seem like such a small and insignificant thing, but all i could think about was "oh fuck, they've just bought me these train tickets. what if they needed that money for something else? what if they needed to pay a bill, or had to do food shopping, or buy some more electric? or fuel? or both? what if this or that happens? they'll need that money, and ive taken it from them."

while both parents have repeatedly said "its fine. we're ok with the money and can afford to buy these tickets for you for christmas" its still a niggling thought in the back of my head, and i hate it! 

its the similar with things like hearing my parents talking about having bills to pay. if i wasnt ill then i'd have a job, probably have my own place by now and they'd have to spend a lot less money for bills. i do pay them a contribution towards bills etc but that doesnt make me feel any better regarding the situation.

friends could be doing more important stuff with their lives instead of trying to sort me out when im having a rough day. if we went out somewhere (not that it happens very often) they could enjoy themselves more if they didnt have to keep an eye on me. 

the list goes on, and its a total shit. 

my family and friends may say that they are ok with doing these sort of things for me, but no matter how many times they say "shut up you mong, its fine" i still feel like im having a negative effect on others, and the worst part is that while i may not feel like it as much now, at my worst, all i could think of was "these people would be so much better off without me"

its so easy to go from feeling like a burden and having a negative effect on those you care about to wanting to end things to make it easier for others. and that is a slippery slope to say the least. 

Saturday 20 September 2014

Im All Alone, Theres No One Here Beside Me...

im sure you seen those "omg its so deep" emotional picture posts on facebook, twitter, blogs etc etc? a picture of some trees, or a sunset, or a waterfall, or some leaves on the floor, usually with a shitty instagram filter on them with something like "the people who seem the happiest are usually the saddest inside" or "why dont people love me for me?" you get the idea. well, i cant stand those sort of posts. sometimes you get positive ones which try to make people feel better, but usually they are negative and lets be honest, whiny. 

they get on my tits and a lot of the time, either because of the way they're written or because of the pictures and fonts used seem to romanticize the topic they are speaking about. 

i saw one this morning that said "i never feel alone bcoz loneliness is always with me" and it got me thinking about how i deal with feeling like im alone.

now aside from the shit stirringly terrible way to spell "because" this one seemed to have a bit of an effect on me and got me thinking about my own dealings with the feeling of loneliness. 

there are plenty different ways to feel alone. ive experienced some of them and i cant say any have had a positive effect on my mental state or how i see myself. 

first off we have the physical sense of being lonely. its a simple premise; there's no one with you. you may be outside going to the shop on your own, sat at home with no one with you (be it because you live on your own or your family/housemates/partner etc have had to go out) whatever. that sense of no one physically being there is a bitch. something as simple as not having someone to talk to can really hit a person hard. fortunately in this day and age we can at least contact someone, be it by phone or online to have a chat. it may not be the same as having someone sat on the sofa with you eating take away and watching a michael bay film but i'll take it.  of course, this physical feeling of being lonely can spill over into the 'romantic' loneliness state... basically, you want to be physically intimate with someone.... in layman's terms; you want to get laid.



ive had problems with feeling lonely in a "romantic sense". yep, im still single. (hoo-fucking-ray....) and there are days where all i want is to have someone to be close too. that could range from anything from something as simple as holding a womans hand and talking all the way through to going heels to jesus. to be honest, a sense of physical closeness on any level would be nice. that feeling of there being no one out there for you in that way can cause a HUGE vaccuum in your life, especially when you're already feeling lonely because of other reasons (some of which are mentioned in this post) 

with the way ive been brought up (my parents are both christian) im not really one for the whole "go out, get laid" mindset. i dont believe that you should wait until you're married to take things to the bedroom... or living room... or park bench..., however, i do feel that sex is something that, while it's a basic and very natural urge, should be between 2 people who know and trust each other. i feel that there should at least be an emotional connection.

when you struggle with social interaction and talking to new people it becomes very difficult to get that kind of relationship going, which means (at least for me) its even harder to have that grow into a physical intimacy. it leaves you feeling very singled out and alone, especially when people all around you are hooking up with others, in long term relationships, getting married, having kids etc etc. i'll straight up say it; im very jealous of some of those people. those who arent alone because they have that connection with someone, both emotionally and physically.




the "outcast" sense of loneliness is a total shitburger. that sense of feeling like you dont fit in with other people, be that a social group, your family, work colleagues etc is such a bastard and (from my experience) causes a huge mental drain. that sense of being a third wheel when a group gets together is soul-crushing. im very lucky in that ive managed to find a group of friends that i feel like i am a part of. (even if we talk mainly online and only meet up a few times each year) the only advice i can give if you feel like the odd one out is to try and find different groups. see which one (ones) you like, that you feel comfortable with and see how things develop. 
ive mentioned this group of people in my last post and i am a lot happier now being part of a group i feel like i belong too as opposed to being with people i am friends with, however dont feel like a member of the group. 




the last "loneliness" that i want to talk about is probably the main one that just about every single person with mental health issues involving depression and anxiety knows about: that feeling that no one can help you. that you're alone in this. 

NOTHING feels worse than this, so im going to keep this bit simple; if you are reading this and you do have issues with depression etc please, PLEASE remember that you are NOT alone.
there is plenty of help available in the form of doctors and counselors and countless other professions that i wont delve in to. and dont forget family and especially friends. 

i have no doubt that i'd be dead right now if it werent for a few friends who have helped me and kept me going over the past few years. 


so, in closing, feeling lonely is a total pile of wank. it is a soul crushing, heartbreaking abyss which is hard to get out of, but never give up trying to free yourself from it. the return for all your effort you put into escaping that pit of loneliness is endless.

you may think you're a third wheel, but in fact you are a majestic god-damn unicycle. find other unicycles and enjoy yourself. 




you are not alone. 

Thursday 11 September 2014

Im Back. (Arseholes, Elbows, Goodbyes, Hellos)

well, its been a while.

its been almost a year since my last post on here. there have been plenty of ups and downs in that time, which i will come to discuss later in this post. the first thing i want to talk about it one of the reasons i stopped writing on this blog. 

just after i had published the last post i wrote on here, i received a comment which, for lack of a better term, destroyed my will to continue writing about my experiences with depression, anxiety and self harm. the person who wrote the comment basically threw abuse at me, the problems i have and how i deal with them, and after reading that comment, i lost the will, motivation and desire to continue posting, as the comment made pretty much knocked me right on my arse. 
however, i have grown as a person and i feel that i can now safely say this to the person who made that post and any others who wish to say similar things:

Fuck. You.

this blog is a way for me to get my emotions, views and experiences out of my system. i could just write this in a word document and save it on my computer, or hand write it in a notebook, however i wanted to post it in a public setting for 2 reasons:

1. it got it off my chest and out in the open, which removes a huge weight from my shoulders.

2. i thought that maybe being able to share my views might help someone who is going through similar problems that i have been going through.

if you have a problem with what i write then bugger off. you dont have to read my blog, so shut your face and go fuck a cactus.

*and breathe*


right, on with the show.

i'll start with the negatives first.

unfortunately, im still struggling with my mental health, as well as now having problems physically with my back. i still have days where i have zero motivation to get out of bed. no wish to do anything, see anyone, speak to anyone or generally live a life. anyone who has dealt with depression will know these kind of days. they suck, but we have to push through them as best we can.

im still on medication, which i cant stand, since i can never tell if the good day/days ive had are down to me genuinely feeling better about myself or if it is the pills causing that. the worry is still there that if i were to stop taking my meds i'd just fall back to where i was before. 


ive written previously about how important pets have been to me during the past few years as well. sadly, ive lost a few during the past few months.

nugget, the smiley gecko with MBD that i adopted and nursed back to health as best i could died. we dont know how old she was so it could have been old age, but i dont know.

i also lost one of my snakes; Ripley. i got up one morning, went to change the water bowl and he was curled up in the corner of the vivarium, dead. 


the most upsetting for me was losing Meg, my dog. one of my best friends.

the fact that im in tears writing this, even after a few months of not having her around i guess just cements how much she meant to me. she got cancer and had a 2kg tumour removed from her abdomen. we learnt from the vet that there was more than one tumour inside her, and that there was no way of her getting better.

we decided that instead of her going through treatment, which would cause her illness, pain and only prolong the inevitable, we decided that we would rather have her at home for the few months she had left as her happy, normal self, despite the cancer festering inside her. thats what we did, and she was happy and "normal" for a while

we had around 5 months more with my dog until she became ill again, and the decision was made to have her finally put to sleep. on a sunday morning she died in my arms, sitting on the floor at the vets. my dog, who never once questioned why i was feeling sad, was always happy to see me and would ALWAYS cuddle up next to me on my bed or on the sofa, was gone. 


it may not seem like a big deal to some, but losing a pet can hit people REALLY hard. losing meg devastated me. to be honest, i dont remember much about that day after she went. i remember the vet nodding, saying she was gone, not wanting to let go of her.

i dont remember the trip home, but i do remember putting my fist through my bedroom door and screaming into my pillow. 


goodnight, you dopey bastard. i love you, and i miss you so fucking much.


(i feel i should mention that we have recently got a new puppy. she may not be my meg, but shes still nice. shes not a direct replacement. nothing can replace my dog, but its just wrong living in a house with no dog. there has always been a dog here. ever since i was born we've had at least one canine family member. like i said, Yophi (my mum chose the name) isnt a replacement for meg. she is the next chapter after meg.)
______________________________________________

i need to stop thinking about my dog, so lets go on to the good things that have happened.

it was suggested by an advisor at the job centre that i have a look into voluntary work. i ended up going to my local british heart foundation furniture store and enquired about doing some voluntary work to give myself some experience with new people and places, and to give myself a bit more of a routine.

now i volunteer at the british heart foundation. its only one morning a week at the moment, but its doing me some good. i enjoy doing it there, even if it isnt the best thing for my dodgy back!


im more active. ive started target shooting using an air rifle, which i really enjoy. its something i can do on my own or with my dad or other people, which is lovely. it gives me an immense amount of satisfaction hitting a good grouping from 20 metres on a paper target.

shooting stuff is also a GREAT way to let off some steam if im having a rough day and im getting frustrated with things.

ive travelled more and done a couple more conventions. im getting better at going to new places, meeting new people and travelling on my own. ive been to wales comic con and met one of my heroes; Charlie Adlard, the artist for The Walking Dead comics. 


i also went to London Film and Comic Con and met some amazing people (including Summer Glau from Firefly, Lena Headey from Game of Thrones and the godfather of zombie films; George A Romero.


the best thing that hs happened so far is becoming part of a group of friends. for the past few years ive never really felt like if fitted into any groups that well.
sure, i was friends with people (who im still friends with now) but i always felt a bit out on the fringes of things when it came to the group mentality. it always felt like i was a bit out of place. i didnt feel "unwanted" but it didnt feel like i was fitting in. i hope that makes sense. its a difficult feeling to describe.

the group of people i found (which i first joined in with just before the events of "joshs big adventure") are a bunch of guys and girls who are nerds like myself and who attend conventions etc. we mainly talk online (yay facebook) but meet up at events like LFCC and Wales Comic Con. some of the people in this group have become some of my closest friends and i genuinely feel like a part of something, which is a great feeling.


these people have seen me go from a timid guy who was shy, reclusive and quiet into someone who is a lot more outgoing, especially when it comes to chatting with people in that group. they even managed to get me to dress up as a character from firefly for LFCC! thats something i would never have done before. 

never ever forget how important friends can be. people in that group, as well as friends such as Tom and Chelsea are brilliant. and have kept me going, especially when ive been low and shitty.

i may not be fixed yet, but i know ive come a long way this past year, and im starting to think that could be something to be proud of. 

oh, and one last thing to that commenter who was a dick; yes, im 25. yes, i like comics. deal with it, bitch!